


you weren't mine to lose

by theplutonianmoon



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, Jemily - Freeform, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Mentions of Death, dumbass emily prentiss tbh, its not all that sad ngl read it and find out, not really much of anything just two am rambles because im sad, sort of angsty I guess, um it can be kinda cheesy i guess ive never been in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:06:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29589753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theplutonianmoon/pseuds/theplutonianmoon
Summary: emily has a little conversation with death
Relationships: JEmily, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, implied Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr.
Kudos: 31





	you weren't mine to lose

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is my first cm story i love jemily they r my besties obv and i do have something actually substantial in the works but its two am right now and i just wanted to write this so dont judge but i hope you enjoy !!

“Tell me, honestly. Do I scare you?”

“This is a long one. When I was a little kid, I used to think that if I thought hard enough I could meet you. I guess that’s giving too much credit to a brain which couldn’t figure out how to write the letter h. The vague belief brought me satisfaction somehow. Always being so close to you at any moment in time. I never understood how I was supposed to think of anything other than that. How can someone even give anything else a thought when you’re always lurking in the corner? Waiting to grab us? 

It’s very possible though, I realized. In my last breaths, I wasn’t scared of you.

I wasn’t even thinking of you. You were the coward in this relationship. So desperate to hold onto me. You kept me pulling me in. You were scared I would slip away, weren’t you?

That I would leave you for her. I would’ve if I knew I had the chance. 

She stood over me on that hospital bed reminding me of every damn thing and everyone I had to live for. She gave me names that I don’t even remember anymore. Words that didn’t really make any sense when I was fighting for each breath. It was tiring. I didn’t want to live because otherwise I’d make a bunch of people cry. 

I wanted to live for her. I know that’s corny, but I’m sure you’ve heard worse.

I wanted to live for her. I wanted to feel her close to me. I wanted to hear her laugh and look into her eyes right after she’d cried when they had that magic glow in them. It used to make me feel like nothing else mattered, you know? Nothing but her. 

Morgan, Reid, Penelope, Hotch, Rossi… my mother; those guys were my family. I loved them all to death, don’t get me wrong. 

But JJ? She was like air. She was in every part of me. It consumed me. And I lived in her. I wouldn’t breathe without her. 

That’s what I was thinking of. Not you. 

And all the while her hand caressed my face begging me to stay, I could feel it. I could feel the cold of her wedding ring against my cheek. One with a name on it. And I wanted to laugh. Because she wasn’t even mine to lose. It was so stupid I wanted to laugh.

And now I think that maybe I wouldn’t be here if she’d used her right hand. But I want to be here. I realized there’s things that scare me way more than you do. 

Living a life without having her? That wouldn’t be living. And I don’t just want to be alive. I wanted to live, but in this lifetime it wouldn’t be possible. This is the easy way out. Being here. With you.”

A resigned darkness released her from its shackles and she found herself floating. 

She woke up in cold sweat. The monitors beeping around her forced her to remember her existence. With deep breaths she tried focusing on her surroundings. A faint shout resembling the word ‘doctor’ rung through her ears. It felt very final and rigid. It soon went black again. 

She wasn’t sure what happened after that. Apparently the shouts were answered because the next time she woke up a doctor was present in her room wearing the biggest smile as if she was remotely aware of anything around her. 

“This is a miracle. You’re a miracle patient! We don’t see those every day!”

Emily couldn’t imagine what she looked like besides the usual mess one is when they come back from the dead. She thought she probably looked ungrateful or pissed off even but that was also usual for when one comes back from the dead. 

Before the doctor could get another word in, JJ bustled through the doors wearing a look between panic and terror. Emily imagined her own look of confusion and annoyance devolved after that. 

“Emily, oh my god. Oh my god. You’re okay! You’re back, oh my god,” she kept repeating that and all Emily could do was nod and plaster a relieved smile, “I can’t believe this, oh my god.”

She didn’t know what this was. Did she actually come back from the dead? With JJ standing at the receiving end? Every inch of her body believed it to be a fever induced dream. Maybe she never died at all. 

She remembered the conversation she had not too long ago and every word of it felt like a joke. A big joke played by the universe in an attempt to make her vulnerable before attacking her at her lowest. Kudos to the universe, though. It was the tactic she was best known to use. 

All her suspicions about her false death were negated when the ring cladded hand caressed her face. The universe didn’t play a joke on her. The ring was still cold making itself glaringly obvious on her own cold skin. She felt so far away from her own being. She felt so far away from JJ. She sighed. She played a joke on herself. 

With JJ’s hand still on her cheek and her husband right behind her offering comfort, all Emily could do was close her eyes and curse at the darkness she found there. It’s always best to keep things to yourself. This was going to suck way more than part one. 

“Death, you vile son of a bitch.”

**Author's Note:**

> leave comments if u want to and suggest anything else you'd like me to write pls!! 
> 
> the above piece probably tells you this already but im depressed and have a writers block so i could use some ideas !!  
> goodnight love u :)


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